The older I am getting the more I am realizing that there’s so much about love that I didn’t know…all I knew was I wanted it but how to recognize it? how to show it? and now a days how to receive it?? I am starting to learn and I can say that honestly.
Growing up, I was raised by two parents in two different households (which didn’t bother me lol) They both were the type of parents who were providers just like their parents were to them.They both made sure that I had what I needed materialistically. They did the best they could with what they knew. I knew that my mom loved me even though she didn’t say it. My mom wasn’t the most affectionate with us, which explains why me and siblings aren’t the most affectionate people ( I am working on that, I’ve come a long way lol) despite that, me and my mom have the most inseparable bond for reasons that’s for a whole other post chile. She never made me feel less despite my challenges. I am a momma’s girl. My father on the other hand was a little different. He always told me he loved me, and was very affectionate but there were a lot of times where he would say things that made me feel inadequate, stupid.. I felt like I wasn’t good enough…maybe I took what he said the wrong way idk but that’s how I felt as a child. We have indeed come a very long way. I am far more closer to him now in my adulthood than I have ever been in my whole 30 years. I am even finding that I am more like him than I thought. I see why I was named after him lol. He calls/texts almost everyday just to see how I am doing and how my day is going. Now Im not gonna lie, it was annoying because I’m like “why does he do this everyday?!” I literally would get annoyed when he would call, but then I’m like “isn’t this what you wanted?” “every daughter wants a relationship with their father so now here you are with one in the making and now you annoyed??” “what’s this about??”. All of these thoughts were going through my mind. My dad wasn’t the only person who was trying to build a closer relationship with me.. I have a sister who I am also trying to build a stronger relationship with as well and the other day she tried to give me some legit sound advice and even encouraged me to pray about it and I got super defensive and dismissive. It wasn’t until I was praying when it dawned on me that a lot of times when you’re used to feeling unloved you don’t know when someone is trying to love on you. It’s hard to get used to. This is the cause and effect of having the spirit of REJECTION. It causes you to feel rejected, unloved, like you’re sooo misunderstood, you’re the black sheep, no one likes you and so on. The effect that it can have is that by you being unaware of the people who do love you, you build up a wall which makes you REJECT them. You think you’re taking preventive actions to make sure you don’t get hurt more than you already have but doesn’t work. I had already been asking God to take away all anger and frustration that I had been holding on to. Asking him to help me forgive those who I thought did me some sort of injustice whether it was done by word or deed. But the fact of the matter is anger is usually caused by some sort of hurt. So now, this is what I am starting to seek: healing from feeling rejected and hurt in the past. Allowing forgiveness to consume all anger …allowing people in to love on me and I on them. All it takes is the mindset of ” Not wanting to be this way anymore” and it can go from there. I remember going to see Travis Greene and he was saying how all God needs is a moment to do something in your life and I honestly believe that. That moment of ” I don’t want this anymore” and “I am ready to let it go” and that can be the start of a path of healing and understanding. I see myself maturing in many ways as a single black woman. God has his way of revealing things TO FIX things. He knows whats best for us, and in order to get the best, we have to be the best. The best version of yourself as you can be. This is preparing me for my next. I am ready to finally let love win.