I decided to begin my series with the Gospel of John. The book of St. John starts off sort of in the same way Genesis does in the old testament. The first chapter lets me know that Jesus has been in picture from the very beginning. Make no mistake about it. Chapter one was a great introduction not only to the book but to the gospel period. It gave me a summary of who Jesus was… excuse me, IS.. why he came, and what this means for me and you. It also gave a synopsis of what I can look forward to in reading this Gospel.
The Gospel Series:
So! I wanted to start a series to document my personal reflections while reading the four gospels in the New Testament. Whether you are new to the family of faith or you find yourself with the desire to draw even closer to God ..this series aims to give a better understanding of the who, what, when, where & why when it comes to JESUS CHRIST. Please note I am in no way, shape or form professing to be a scholar, as a christian, I want to understand the “Good News” even better, to allow it to lead my life while properly sharing this news. We as witnesses gotta know what we talking about when telling the good news. Its imperative. Each Gospel has its own unique take on the whereabouts and the fundamental teachings of Jesus Christ. Regardless we need to keep these everyday teachings in mind and apply them every single day.! I am eager to take away something different this time! make sure you stay tuned! don’t hesitate to like, comment, or share any thoughts you have throughout the series.
I hope this letter finds and does you well. You have been through alot these past couple of weeks. Alot has been going through your mind. You may feel like you fell off the wagon, that it seems like you can’t get back on track, that you’re so lost that God wont find or help you but I want you to know that there’s NOTHING you can’t do UNLESS you choose not to do it. Satan is lying when he makes you think those things! God has made you strong to bear it. He will make you stronger to get through it. All you need is the mind to get it together and its on! You know this! You ARE enough, you are loved, you are good, you are stronger than you give yourself credit to be. You have came a very long way and the best is yet to come. Don’t worry about the would’ve should’ve could’ve’s. You woke up today with the chance to do better. Don’t be afraid because of whats happening around you. Don’t get it twisted. God got you. Lean on him. He hasn’t left you. He’s there waiting on you sis. Let him do the work in you. Stop trying to control how he does it. Dont overthink it. its so simple even though it seems so complicated. Don’t give up or in. Dont worry about what others have that you may not have…. YET. God is all you need at end. He is your strength ! Press on sis, you got this… Ready? Reset ….Lets Go!!!
Your biggest fan
My head is down, But I know he is still around. When storms roar at it’s best. When everyone’s being a pest. I don’t need to make a sound. I know he is still around. He hears my heart. He has his way of putting together whatever has been torn apart. He is still around. I am victory bound. This is hard to keep in mind, especially when your feelings convince you that peace is hard to find. Nevertheless he still is around. He catches me right before it all hits the ground. I love him for that. His strength keeps me that’s a fact. I don’t have to look far, all I have to do is say his name. JESUS is able to help us win against satan’s games. I sit here once again reassured, I am not alone in this, He is still around and will forever exist.
Here lately I have honestly been distant on purpose. Over the past couple of years, I have found myself being separated from people: exes, friends, family, associates for whatever reason. Initially, of course it wasn’t what I was ready for, it sucked lol. As time went on though (here recently) I am now starting to see this space of singleness as something that I truly needed. For the most part I am calm and at peace. I am not sure if I have grown cold ( I hope not) but I honestly haven’t been concerned with whose with me or not with me. Who is speaking to me or who isn’t speaking to me. Who supports me and who doesn’t. Whose a friend, whose not a friend. I have learned to see and treat those simply according to who they show themselves to be to me. Of course there is a balance to everything, so just because someone treats me in a way I don’t like, I can’t hate them, stay mad, or guard myself against other people who want to be in my life(saith the Lord) so, I am also learning how to start making space for new opportunities lol letting those who make effort in.
There were times where being single has gotten to me. As women, we have a mental biological clock that starts to go off making us begin to think no!….WORRY about having children “in time”, getting married “in time”..heck having the “American Dream”. It doesn’t help either when you have family members steady asking “well when….” and “why don’t you..” at every function lol. I am also learning too that my choices, or my life does not need to be explained, I keep trying to keep that in mind..it’s MY LIFE that GOD gave ME. He is the AUTHOR OF TIME and what is mine WILL BE MINE Amen? Amen. This time alone has shown me so much so far. I am learning more and more about myself that I probably wouldn’t know if the same people were still in my space. I am able to think, internalize, and process choices and myself as a woman. I don’t think I am better than anyone but I have come to realize how dope I am. That I am deserving and worth it. A lot of times we are so focused on what is wrong with us, what we still need to conquer and work on that we miss the positive, how far we have come, what HAS CHANGED. I have said this repeatedly on previous posts because it’s very important to see yourself, love on yourself, and motivate yourself. Y’all, I am my biggest fan. I pump myself up to the point that if you didn’t know me, you would probably think I am conceited lol. There’s so much that I love about myself: My laugh, My eyes, cheek bones, smile and lips…basically my face honey. How my energy brings joy to people. How people actually enjoy my company. How transparent I am, my great work ethic..shoot how thick my hair is lol…how independent I am ( wait, I know my place as a woman so try me not! lol) even how more giving I have become this year..anyone who know me KNOW I CAN BE a tad tight lol.
I say all of this to say that if you are reading and you find yourself in a time where you feel alone.. people have walked away from you or vice versa..or you just find yourself in a space where it’s just you.. take advantage of this time. Pray and seek God and ask for answers about you. Tell him what you know you need to work on, how hard it is to do that. Be honest about it. Get to know yourself for you. Go online and look up some “get to know yourself” type of questions and just as a fun activity answer them. Love on yourself. Find something you like to do by trying new things. Let go and let God work on you to become a better you. Give him time ( i’m talking to myself here too) to perform the work in you. I am not at the finish line but I love where this season is taking me! God Bless!
I’m not perfect. this isn’t an excuse or a crutch. It’s my new reality.
My reactions aren’t what they should be initially, but no matter what I make it right at the end of the day whether right or wrong.
My patience …what patience? I’m still working on that #praymystrength
My scars… literally and emotionally are still here, but oh I always know I will end up being okay, its coming. they won’t be here forever.
I can be sensitive..things easily can get to me but I never give up, no one can change what I believe PERIODT. I keep enduring the best way I know how.
Okay Quanay what’s this?…..Sometimes as christians especially those who come from very religious foundations, we tend to put too much pressure on ourselves to be this …person that crosses every T thrown at them, that never falls or makes a mistake and if you do, you try your best make sure NO ONE KNOWS. Now, although there are somethings that ….you know…shouldn’t…….be…right! we as humans are gonna make mistakes.We will have moments of falling into low places. We have flaws. If we didn’t then, what is this even about then? why did Jesus even have to come? what is faith really about then?? he knew we couldn’t be perfect especially on OUR OWN. We are made “perfect” (the ability to make the effort to do the right thing) through our imperfections…meaning that if we come to God through Jesus Christ admitting our faults, our flaws, what we know we need help with changing HE IS ABLE to produce that change. Change doesn’t come over night. So, I am okay with being flawed I am even okay with being transparent enough to admit those flaws however, I plan on continuing to work on the things that I need to change for the better and realizing that its okay, its a process we have to trust the process but not use that as a excuse to be doing whatever whenever. Also celebrate the changes you have made! don’t boast now, but be grateful for what God is doing. I see what he is doing for me…I see little things changing that probably will eventually create a whole new image of myself which I do look forward to.As I said before, it’s a constant fight but the good thing is …you’re not fighting alone.
In the dark.
Sometimes it’s just a feeling.Whether it stems from regret, the cares of everyday life, or even just out of a whirlwind of random emotions regardless….
In the dark.
It can be so confusing. My dad often reminds me that as people particularly as women, we can be overly emotional. I must admit this past week I just been in that “whirlwind of random emotions” (thanks PMS). It was one thought that led to multiple and before I knew it I became very emotional. Perhaps too emotional, in my feelings over things that now, I’m like “really?”. For me, I sometimes struggle with comparing myself to others. I see what others seem to have and it makes me question “what about me?”. I honestly have been doing fine in this area but something triggered it and PMS didn’t help. PMS is not an excuse in my opinion it just amplifies what’s already there so now what?
In the dark.
What do you do when for a moment or should I say in moments you’re clouded with a bunch of emotions that just take you to a whole other place that’s no good?
In the dark.
It’s not easy to see through the heaviness that somethings bring. Although you literally aren’t blind, sometimes your mind is filled with so much you don’t know if you’re going or coming.
In the dark.
But something inside just won’t let me stay in that mindset though. My faith out of no where tells me this isn’t it. This isn’t my destination.. I am in the middle of a marathon. MY marathon. I am aware that I exist as a human in living flesh with feelings but I can’t let it get the best of me. I aim to keep in mind that yesterday was yesterday. God gives us another day… a new opportunity to change our narrative with HIS HELP. All we can do is the best we can when we are given a chance every day we wake up. So, as I sit up..fitting to fix my ginger root tea, I am urging myself as I am writing this and anyone who reads this and identifies with the similar issues I have to just don’t give up on God and yourself. We are much stronger than we give ourselves credit to be especially with God on our sides. With him we can get through whatever we may be going through regardless of what it looks or feels like. It’s obvious that I have learned to encourage the heck out of myself. Even in times like this week where I was all over the place in my mind. I am encouraged to continue on in my journey to finish what I started My Marathon.
The older I am getting the more I am realizing that there’s so much about love that I didn’t know…all I knew was I wanted it but how to recognize it? how to show it? and now a days how to receive it?? I am starting to learn and I can say that honestly.
Growing up, I was raised by two parents in two different households (which didn’t bother me lol) They both were the type of parents who were providers just like their parents were to them.They both made sure that I had what I needed materialistically. They did the best they could with what they knew. I knew that my mom loved me even though she didn’t say it. My mom wasn’t the most affectionate with us, which explains why me and siblings aren’t the most affectionate people ( I am working on that, I’ve come a long way lol) despite that, me and my mom have the most inseparable bond for reasons that’s for a whole other post chile. She never made me feel less despite my challenges. I am a momma’s girl. My father on the other hand was a little different. He always told me he loved me, and was very affectionate but there were a lot of times where he would say things that made me feel inadequate, stupid.. I felt like I wasn’t good enough…maybe I took what he said the wrong way idk but that’s how I felt as a child. We have indeed come a very long way. I am far more closer to him now in my adulthood than I have ever been in my whole 30 years. I am even finding that I am more like him than I thought. I see why I was named after him lol. He calls/texts almost everyday just to see how I am doing and how my day is going. Now Im not gonna lie, it was annoying because I’m like “why does he do this everyday?!” I literally would get annoyed when he would call, but then I’m like “isn’t this what you wanted?” “every daughter wants a relationship with their father so now here you are with one in the making and now you annoyed??” “what’s this about??”. All of these thoughts were going through my mind. My dad wasn’t the only person who was trying to build a closer relationship with me.. I have a sister who I am also trying to build a stronger relationship with as well and the other day she tried to give me some legit sound advice and even encouraged me to pray about it and I got super defensive and dismissive. It wasn’t until I was praying when it dawned on me that a lot of times when you’re used to feeling unloved you don’t know when someone is trying to love on you. It’s hard to get used to. This is the cause and effect of having the spirit of REJECTION. It causes you to feel rejected, unloved, like you’re sooo misunderstood, you’re the black sheep, no one likes you and so on. The effect that it can have is that by you being unaware of the people who do love you, you build up a wall which makes you REJECT them. You think you’re taking preventive actions to make sure you don’t get hurt more than you already have but doesn’t work. I had already been asking God to take away all anger and frustration that I had been holding on to. Asking him to help me forgive those who I thought did me some sort of injustice whether it was done by word or deed. But the fact of the matter is anger is usually caused by some sort of hurt. So now, this is what I am starting to seek: healing from feeling rejected and hurt in the past. Allowing forgiveness to consume all anger …allowing people in to love on me and I on them. All it takes is the mindset of ” Not wanting to be this way anymore” and it can go from there. I remember going to see Travis Greene and he was saying how all God needs is a moment to do something in your life and I honestly believe that. That moment of ” I don’t want this anymore” and “I am ready to let it go” and that can be the start of a path of healing and understanding. I see myself maturing in many ways as a single black woman. God has his way of revealing things TO FIX things. He knows whats best for us, and in order to get the best, we have to be the best. The best version of yourself as you can be. This is preparing me for my next. I am ready to finally let love win.
A while ago, there was a woman who was talking about the love of Jesus when she says “he literally wrapped his arms around me” and me & my friend was WEAK about it, I mean cracking up… maybe cause of how she said it cause sis was real emotional about it but regardless I was weak. I didn’t take her seriously. Fast forward to the present day.. tonight randomly I had decided to have a date night with myself. I lit candles, queued my playlist, heated up my leftovers (chicken breast with a garden salad) and prepared a seat for one in my dining room. So I was in my little moment when the song ” so in love ” by Donnie McClurkin came to mind. So I went to play that song and was jamming when all of a sudden in the middle of the song I stopped and burst into tears. Something came over me. Initially I noticed that I was crying but yet I wasn’t sad. I found that I was shedding tears of comfort. It was as if someone else entered the room with me. The presence was THAT strong. Then it dawned on me….HE was telling me that he was in love with me. Y’all, as weird as it sounds, I felt as if I just heard a man confessing his love to me while sitting across from me….it was such a presence and I was blown away. It’s kinda hard to explain but all the pieces finally came together. I had JUST prayed about being able to recognize him & building my Faith, I also been focusing on John 14:26 which talks about the comforter (aka the Holy Spirit), and now??? this. Again blown away. Y’all had to be there. Not only did I eat my leftovers but I also ate every single last joke I made about what that woman said smh. Tonight was indeed a treasure, a personal interaction that I never want to forget. If I had any doubt about if this is real..if going to church, reading the bible, praying was worth anything at all ??? I’m making it perfectly clear that I AM FULLY PERSUADED. No one was here with me tonight BUT HIM. I seen him for myself alone, on my own which makes this personal for me. When something is personal can’t no one take it away or change it. I love personal. I am starting to get the just of what a relationship with God is about…when no ones looking. When the church doors are closed (literally ) and your pastor and church members aren’t around. It’s a conscious decision to get close to God to see him for yourself as am I #GodBlesstheQuaratine. My thing now is I wanna remember this night as precious as it was. Not only that but I am curious as to what else is in store? the sky is the limit and I want more.